[Rachael_NI]

Hi all

I wrote this poem recently, after many years of denying my mother's death, and searching every area of my life and my past for what the reasons for my deep sadness could be - it finally clicked into place one day - I had never grieved for my mother...

I have called it "Grief's Blindfold", because I feel that sometimes, if grief is just too much to bear, and we are not emotionally capable to deal with it, we can block it out completely, and the grief can become a blindfold to everything else in our lives. I was 16 when she died and nowhere near ready to deal with it. Now it is all coming out...

In Memory of Mary Orr Martin 17th Aug 1949- 10th June 1999.

Grief’s Blindfold

My life belies what I want to be
Yet I cannot think what that is for me

For my heart has been stuck in a time and place
When words were unspoken, and life kept its pace

And years have passed now, years of contemplation
Hundreds of pounds spent on self-help information
Thousands of moments that I can never get back
On millions of reasons why peace I might lack

And yet no thing could tell me that it could be this clear
No one pointed out it could be heartache - not fear
No single passing thought had ever crossed my mind
That it might be buried grief, buried at the time
When the shiny wood was lowered to the cold dark grave
When flowers were placed and words were said
And beds were quickly made

All these years forgone now and not once could I see
A life had come to pass – what had this meant for me?

Relationships have came and went and each one took their toll
Pulling me down deeper into the deep and dreary hole
I beat the sides, I searched the ground, I tried to build a ladder
But every rung I tried to grasp was insubstantial matter
For the tears I cried over what I lost - persons, job or home
Where nothing but the echo’s of the one thing I’d disowned

So now as this reveals itself like a blindfold from my eyes
The memories come thick and fast of good things I’d denied
A reservoir of love and joy and laughter and comfort and hope
The rich and vibrant happenings, now how will I ever cope -
As the realisation creeps in too and makes a silent hole
That she is gone, gone forever, no more to nourish my soul.

As the ribbons of grief unravel themselves, the wings of the dove will flap
And suck in air for the strangled throat of the grief that was at nap

And the tears come now, deep and murky
Stagnant throughout the years
For although I feel I’m all cried out
They weren’t the proper tears

by Rachael Martin.

[kath]

Dear Rachel,

This poem is amazing. You have some work ahead of you; keep writing, keep posting, keep praying. As one who spent years avoiding any feelings at all, I can tell you that they do come back when you are ready to face them. Luckily, it is not all at once, but they must be faced none-the-less. Good luck on your journey. I'm sorry you had to lose your mom at such a young age.

Take good care,

Kath

[marsha]

Rachel - I don't come often to this board, but I was glad I did when I saw your beautiful poem. I think I put my mom's death, 8 years ago, deep inside, but it came out later as well. Thank you for this! Marsha