[LindaKoz]

So after a few "relatively" better days, today I just feel so sad and so heartbroken. Everything I do and everywhere I go there are reminders of Brian. I'm sitting at work right now and tears are roling down my cheeks. I just don't know how to put the pieces of myself back together. I am so fragmented and so filled with grief. I know that it's only been a bit over six weeks and perhaps I am just expecting too much from myself. When will it get easier? When will the overwhelming sadness begin to ease? I miss Brian so much and I just continue to feel it is just unfair that our life together was cut way too short. I am surrounded by love, support, and comfort but I long and ache only for Brian to comfort me. I know that he is with me and I know that God is holding me up, but I want to physically feel Brian puts his arms around me and tell me that all will be well.

I am also exhausted. The past two nights I actually fell to sleep before 1:00 a.m. and only woke up once or twice during the night. But, I still feel drained physically, mentally and emotionally. I guess I will try to rest as much as possible over the weekend. My son is going to come home from college Saturday afternoon and stay until Sunday evening or Monday morning. At least our home won't be empty for a few days.

Thanks again for listening to my laments. I guess I just needed to get some of these thoughts out of my mind. Does anyone else feel like they are going crazy sometimes? Hugs to you all.

Peace, love, and blessings,
Linda

[Rochel]

My Dear Linda,
I just saw your post about tears coming down your cheeks and I started to cry....I feel your pain so much...I have so many people around me all the time and I just want Bob...I would like you to send me your cell if you want to....I would like to pray for you over the phone and touch base....if you do not want to I understand....It is kind of chancy to give personal info...I would love to be here for you...I'm surprised that we don't have permanent lines going down our cheeks from the tear stains....I wish I could suggest something to help you, but I haven't discovered what will help me...I stay occupied with my house which triggers in Bob memories...I'm sure that Brian's arms were the best...I will pray that you have Brian's sweet arms around you tonight...I have not had dreams that I even remember lately...where do you work....maybe I can call you at home tonight...It is Friday and the weekend is coming...Glad your son is coming home for a visit...Bless you Linda and know that I'm here for you...Rochel

[valley]

Linda,

Enjoy your son while he is with you. I am sure this is all so hard for him too. My children always have a hard time seeing me sad, but I just have to be who I am at the moment in time. Sometimes we laugh and have fun, others they offer sympathy because I am in tears.

My husband died almost 14 months ago and the day in and day out is easier. It is. Yet I miss him everyday. This morning I drove to town and as I approach my little city I started crying. I just never know when it will overtake me....the sudden sadness and loss. But I drove home feeling better and knowing that I had things I had to accomplish. Each day is different......but it will get easier.

Please take care,
Valley

[mlg]

Linda
I am sorry that none of us can tell you when it will get better. Each of us is so different. There are several that are about the same place I am in the grief journey but some have been able to move forward (some are even dating) and others are still stuck in the ruts. I am somewhere in between I guess. I can function but at times have mental lapses (maybe they're senior moments). I still cannot look to the future but make it through every day. Some days are easier that others.
I'm sure you will probably sleep better this weekend if you are anything like me. It is amazing how much better I sleep when someone else is in the house. I hope this will be true for you too.

Enjoy your son and your time with him this weekend. Hope the weather will be nice where you are.

[Maryo]

Hi Linda,
I hope tomorrow will be a good day for you and you will find comfort in having your Son home.It does get easier.Just take one day at a time.
Take care.
Mary Lou

[Korina]

Oh, Linda, I know how you feel. I have had days were things have moved along quite nicely. But then these last 2 days, while not all bad, have certainly had their moments. Today, for example, I finally went and filed some papers for Scott's estate. And then I started to lose it as Kailyn and I were walking home. I suddenly thought/realized I would never hear Scott's voice again (though I do have it in the background on a piece of video). It was like being hit by a very large wave.

My parents and brother are coming in for a couple of weeks tomorrow night. I am really looking forward to this visit.

Enjoy your son!

Korina

[LindaKoz]

Oh, it's another bad day. Getting ready to go pick up my son. Hope it helps to be with him. Last night three friends came over and it was a "better" night. We had some pizza and drank some wine. I'm really fortunate to have a video of Brian which was taped at our church. It's only about 2 minutes long but he's answering questions about God. Sometimes it's hard to watch and other times it is a comfort. I also have two audio recordings of Brian singing and playing guitar. Again, they are bittersweet but at least I can hear him. We watched and listened to these memories last night. We are all having a hard time dealing with this loss.

Today it is a beautiful sunny day. For a while my mind tricked me into believing it was a normal Saturday with Brian at work and me at home studying. Then the reality hit me and I sobbed uncotrolbably. I started yelling and screaming at God. While I don't believe that God actually took Brian away, I needed to release the sadness and anger which were welling up in my soul. It is an injustice. I want to get off this grief journey.

Thanks again for listening my friends. Somehow, someway, we will make it and we will experiencing healing. I guess it just takes a longe time.

Peace, love, and blessings,
Linda

[marsha]

Linda - I remember a comment someone made to me when I was only a few weeks out. I was working in my deli, and an older woman came in, a widow herself - we were the only two in the store. She said when she heard the news, she thought of me every time she passed by, but this time she wanted to come in and talk. She said "you're like a raw wound right now - it will have to heal from the inside out, and it will take time". I've remembered that. Think of this: if you had suffered a physical injury, you would give yourself the time you needed to heal. This is no different, worse, but no different. At 16 months, I try to cut myself a break, allow the feelings to flow through me and not fight them. I hope this helps a little bit - Hugs, Marsha

[Rochel]

Hi Marsha, This helped me just now what this woman told you...I'm always trying to hold back the tears because it hurts so much to cry sometimes and sometimes it doesn't...this journey is such a roller coaster...I will think of the raw wound healing and try to give myself time to get through this...I just filled out a survey for Hospice and it all came back again..and I started to cry and get mad and tell God it is not fair...It is not God's fault....He is just bigger than the situation and I know that He can handle it...Bless you Marsha, Rochel

[LindaKoz]

marsha, on 07 November 2009 - 04:31 PM, said:

Linda - I remember a comment someone made to me when I was only a few weeks out. I was working in my deli, and an older woman came in, a widow herself - we were the only two in the store. She said when she heard the news, she thought of me every time she passed by, but this time she wanted to come in and talk. She said "you're like a raw wound right now - it will have to heal from the inside out, and it will take time". I've remembered that. Think of this: if you had suffered a physical injury, you would give yourself the time you needed to heal. This is no different, worse, but no different. At 16 months, I try to cut myself a break, allow the feelings to flow through me and not fight them. I hope this helps a little bit - Hugs, Marsha

Hi Marsha,

Thank you. I know that my wound is still raw and fresh. I am trying to honor each and every emotion and feeling that I am experiencing. I feel so fragmented and so lost. I try not to look into the future because it becomes so overwhelming. Sometimes the pain just takes control. Today is a very bad day. I've screamed, I've cried, I've felt as if I cannot go on. Fortunately my son is home for the evening. He has held me as I cried and told me that I must keep trying because that is what Brian would want. Brian wants me to live. Some days it is not what I want but I keep going with the hope that one day the pain will ease just a bit. I'll live for Brian who was so filled with life and laughter. I'll go on so that he can live through me. I'll live with the knowledge that God is with me and one day when it is time God will reunite me with Brian. With God there is always hope.

Peace, love, and blessings,
Linda

[jrm]

Dear Linda. You titled it My Heart Is So Broken. So sorry. Yes how can our hearts not ache. They were our everything. When you have a wonderful relationship (for me 40 years) why shouldn't our hearts broken. I moan when I cry...it's such a low sad sound. I only wish Duke could see me cry. I know he wants me to be strong but I'm not. He took care of everything. I'm so lost. We will all get comfort knowing we are not going insane. whether are loss is one day, one week, one month, a year or anywhere in between or even longer. Right now we just want everything back the way it was. If only...for now we can comfort and pray for each other

[steely]

I feel so much of what you have all written. It hurts to even try to talk about it. I'm so sorry for us all.

[Jsph110]

Linda,
good to hear that you have a support system around you of people who love you. Also good to hear that your son is coming over.